It’s that time of the year folks – the one where my former fellows in the meeja reap the rewards of 1,001 dodgy cuttings jobs, cobbled together several weeks ago and passed off as a “review of the year”. And if that’s not enough, they then pad this baloney out further still with a load of naff “predictions for 2013” – most of them of the flying pig variety.
This seasonal load of tripe has at least five major benefits:
a. it enables aforementioned fellows to take at least a fortnight off as these “reviews” can be assembled any time after the middle of November;
b. there’s sod all happening at this time of year anyway as everyone is too busy stuffing themselves and getting pissed to do anything;
c. even if there was anything happening, no one would be interested in reading about it because they’re all too busy etc etc.
d. the chances of anyone actually being held to their “predictions” (i.e. made to look deeply foolish when said predictions fail to transpire) are somewhere between zero and minus two because no one was paying any attention in the first place;
e. and even if they were, how does that stuff differ from any one of a veritable tsunami of kite-flying tales throughout the year in which such giveaway phrases as “may face” and “is poised to”, when inserted into an intro, tell you everything you need to know.
Undaunted, however, brunosallotmentblog has cobbled together a small handful of highlights and lowlights of 2012 but I am going to leave it to you, dear reader, to toss in a few predictions of what will/will not happen in 2013 (in keeping with the tone of this blog, extra points will be awarded for facetiousness).
Unless I am much mistaken, 2012 was a very bad year for:
Yup, apart from a warm week in March and another one in May, it was completely crap, going from drought to absolutely belting down. Only August acquitted itself rather better than usual (it is, after all, we are drearily reminded as the campsite gets washed down the hillside, traditionally the second wettest month).
2012 was a truly crap year for slugs, unless your name happens to be Mr or Mrs Slug, or you are a badger or a hedgehog. This may have something to do with point 1 as the slimy bastards like it wet.
For some reason, the clouds of these pesky little critters that billowed out of my brassicas throughout 2011 seem to have found 2012 tough going. I have no idea why this is but I’m certainly not moaning.
Our grey furry friends have apparently been feeling even more peckish than usual in 2012, given the paucity of seeds, nuts and other things that they occasionally tuck in to before they come and trash all our broad beans, sweetcorn, plums, sunflowers, etc etc – again related to point 1. Sadly for Mr and Mrs Nutkin, not all of our fellows have taken this lying down (see posts passim), and I don’t think the grey furry ones have come out on top.
5. One could go on (and on and on) – but I’ll leave it to you, dear reader, to chip in the odd comment should you wish.
On the plus side, 2012 was a very good year for:
This is related to points 2 and 4 above. For some reason, we Hillbillies have seen a huge spike in the numbers of these spiky little fellows. In years gone by, they were a very rare bird indeed – but not any more. And how do I know this? I refer you to the small but equally clandestine handful of activists who comprise the grey squirrel regulator OFFSHAGS (Office For the Flagellation of Shepherds Hill Allotments Grey Squirrels) who have seen rather a lot of Mr or Mrs Tiggywinkle, all of whom, when caught, are left to snooze it out until the following morning when they are set free unharmed.
We don’t have any badgers, or moles, both of which feast on point 2 (above), but given that the badger cull has been suspended, I guess we can call this a good year for badgers. Perhaps Mr and Mrs Brock would like to follow in the footsteps of our foxy friends and colonise the city for a change. After all, we’re much more friendly than Farmer Giles.
No let-up here. Has there ever been a bad year for bindweed?
4. One could go on. And on. And on. But haven’t we all seen enough of churnalism this year? Your comments would be welcome – emailed if you prefer (my address can be found on the Muswell Hill Gardeners website. I’m not going to post it here as I have enough spam already).
In the meantime, in the spirit of off-the-wall, “sideways looking” takes, I have decided to remove the allotment snowscape scene from the top of this page and replace it with something much more cheerful. After all, it won’t be long before we’re up to our necks in the beastly white stuff again – and that’s not a prediction. It’s a racing certainty.